May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the finest. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully from put. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But Of course, guaranteed, let's have An additional area where American men can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: present Everybody a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It really is that he must quit utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the task, replied, "You already know, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Good tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a giant Trump head visible from space, a feature becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not only unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The ad campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is currently attracting consideration from Worldwide investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may even consist of:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge the place my PTSD can have flip-down support."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten Trump Tower Damascus associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Thoughts in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *